We attended a birthday party this past Sunday for two of Zoe’s friends. After the party, hubbie was reiterating a conversation he’d had with one of the other Dads. Said Dad apparently thought we had two daughters, not just one. He was surprised to learn we only had one child. This of course was not the main point of their conversation, but it was the point that stuck with me. And please bear with me because I'm having one of my deep and on the verge of being crazy moments.
For the past almost three years - as long as we've been trying to have a second child - I’ve felt the essence of another child orbiting around me. Most days I feel like this child is a girl but for a brief stint, I felt like said child was a boy. I’m now back to thinking it’s a girl.
At one point when Zoe was talking to an imaginary friend every night after she got into bed, I’d convinced myself that this imaginary friend was really this second child having a play date with my daughter. Testing the waters so to speak to see what it would be like to have Zoe as a big sister.
And most days I know how totally crazy this theory sounds. My logical side tells me it’s just my wishful thinking. The essence is nothing more than my desperation to have a second child. But on my magical days, I want to believe that I am feeling the soul of this child that is definitely meant to be but maybe just not right now.
So the conversation between my husband and the other Father made me wonder for just a brief moment if the other Father was feeling the essence of our second child as well? Is it so powerful that even outsiders feel it?
Logically I’m sure he just made a mistake. He confused us with someone else who does have two daughters, but it gives me hope to think that maybe, just maybe my intuition is right on. And another little girl is out there just waiting to come into our lives.
OK, the deep, crazy moment is over. You can resume normal, logical behavior. But just in case you want to give this essence theory some thought ... I'd love to hear what you're thinking.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Let the holiday games begin
I dropped off my Estrace prescription to be filled yesterday but couldn't wait around for it to be ready because there were way too many toys in CVS to tempt Zoe. Of the 500 or so choices, I think she touched at least 250 of them and of course wanted them all. I kept having to explain to her that Hanukkah starts on Friday and the Hanukkah gift giving person has already purchased all of her presents for the season. Bottom-line, no more toys for you!
I'm not scheduled to start taking the Estrace tablets for our "mock" cycle until around December 24 so while the possibility of IVF is all I really want to focus on right now, I'm in hurry up and wait mode so I have to find other ways to occupy myself.
First and foremost, our heater stopped working last night some time in the middle of the night. Luckily we were all covered up fairly well so we didn't notice until around 6am when it was time to wake up. Wow, was it cold getting dressed this morning. Now I'm home waiting for the repair man to show up and trying to keep warm with a dinky space heater that doesn't even have a right to call itself a heater.
Next on my list is a holiday dilemma that I've been pondering and polling folks about for the past few days - the gift card as a present. We only have a few people to buy for this year but one in particular is challenging. She never likes anything we give her so I suggested, as did her Mom, a gift card. But my hubbie refuses. He says he hates gift cards and WILL NOT be buying one for this relative.
Really, I asked? You hate gift cards? I totally LOVE gifts cards. I love the idea of shopping and buying something I want but not having to pay for it.
His theory however is that people almost always forget to use their gift cards and then they expire or the company starts charging monthly fees.
I asked another friend and she agrees with hubbie but for different reasons. She says she always gets gift cards to stores she never shops at so the present is wasted.
What's your theory on the gift card? Do you like to receive and/or give them or do you avoid gift cards like the plague?
I'm not scheduled to start taking the Estrace tablets for our "mock" cycle until around December 24 so while the possibility of IVF is all I really want to focus on right now, I'm in hurry up and wait mode so I have to find other ways to occupy myself.
First and foremost, our heater stopped working last night some time in the middle of the night. Luckily we were all covered up fairly well so we didn't notice until around 6am when it was time to wake up. Wow, was it cold getting dressed this morning. Now I'm home waiting for the repair man to show up and trying to keep warm with a dinky space heater that doesn't even have a right to call itself a heater.
Next on my list is a holiday dilemma that I've been pondering and polling folks about for the past few days - the gift card as a present. We only have a few people to buy for this year but one in particular is challenging. She never likes anything we give her so I suggested, as did her Mom, a gift card. But my hubbie refuses. He says he hates gift cards and WILL NOT be buying one for this relative.
Really, I asked? You hate gift cards? I totally LOVE gifts cards. I love the idea of shopping and buying something I want but not having to pay for it.
His theory however is that people almost always forget to use their gift cards and then they expire or the company starts charging monthly fees.
I asked another friend and she agrees with hubbie but for different reasons. She says she always gets gift cards to stores she never shops at so the present is wasted.
What's your theory on the gift card? Do you like to receive and/or give them or do you avoid gift cards like the plague?
Friday, December 4, 2009
Friday Mitzvah - holiday overload
Our holiday dance card is quickly filling up with a party here, a celebration there. At first, I was excited by all the invitations but now it's all getting a bit overwhelming. It started with an invite to a birthday party where we were asked to bring a new set of PJs for a child in need instead of a gift for the birthday boy. What a fun idea I thought. I rushed out to buy a cute pair of Tinkerbell PJs that I know will make some little girl very happy.
Next, my daughter was invited to a party where she gets to wear her PJs - oops, I'll need to buy her some new ones because all of hers are about two sizes too small - and guess what? The host is asking that we each bring a set of new PJs to donate to a child in need. Add another set of PJs to my growing shopping list.
But wait, there's more. Another invite for Mom's night out. Another request for PJs to help the needy. The shopping list continues to grow.
So far, I'm in for 4 sets of PJs and a gift suitable for adults valued at $20 for a white elephant type gift exchange.
It's a Mitzvah fiesta.
In addition to all of the above, Zoe and I donated a rather large box of canned food to a food drive this week, and I sent brownies to someone who lived through a rather awful ordeal. I think I'm done for the week. Happy Mitzvah Fiesta Friday y'all.
Next, my daughter was invited to a party where she gets to wear her PJs - oops, I'll need to buy her some new ones because all of hers are about two sizes too small - and guess what? The host is asking that we each bring a set of new PJs to donate to a child in need. Add another set of PJs to my growing shopping list.
But wait, there's more. Another invite for Mom's night out. Another request for PJs to help the needy. The shopping list continues to grow.
So far, I'm in for 4 sets of PJs and a gift suitable for adults valued at $20 for a white elephant type gift exchange.
It's a Mitzvah fiesta.
In addition to all of the above, Zoe and I donated a rather large box of canned food to a food drive this week, and I sent brownies to someone who lived through a rather awful ordeal. I think I'm done for the week. Happy Mitzvah Fiesta Friday y'all.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Ectopic pregnancy too close to home
A called a former coworker yesterday to say hi and found he and his wife in the midst of a crises. His wife had been 7 weeks pregnant when she started having bad cramps, which turned into vaginal bleeding, a white face, blue lips, and her passing out just before her husband rushed her to the hospital. By the time the doctors got her into surgery, her tube had ruptured from an ectopic pregnancy and her stomach was full of blood from internal bleeding. The situation came very close to being something much worse than a pregnancy loss.
As I was listening to his story, I went numb. I remembered a story a Rabbi told me once about the laws of Judaism. He said Judaism mandates that men be fruitful and multiple. It’s a law. But that same law does not apply to women. Women are not commanded to have children because having babies is a life-threatening business. G-d would not command women to do something that could cause them to die. I never gave the story much thought until now. I’ve never been this close to someone who came very close to dying because of a pregnancy.
It’s a trite statement but life really is fragile. And it makes me wonder if those of us who are experiencing infertility … either first time or secondary … are being protected from something we can’t see. I know it won’t stop me from spending $1000s of more dollars trying to conceive a second child, but I did take a moment to pause and think.
And then I sent my former coworker’s wife some brownies. Chocolate can’t solve all of our infertility or otherwise problems, but it sure is comforting. Thank goodness for chocolate.
As I was listening to his story, I went numb. I remembered a story a Rabbi told me once about the laws of Judaism. He said Judaism mandates that men be fruitful and multiple. It’s a law. But that same law does not apply to women. Women are not commanded to have children because having babies is a life-threatening business. G-d would not command women to do something that could cause them to die. I never gave the story much thought until now. I’ve never been this close to someone who came very close to dying because of a pregnancy.
It’s a trite statement but life really is fragile. And it makes me wonder if those of us who are experiencing infertility … either first time or secondary … are being protected from something we can’t see. I know it won’t stop me from spending $1000s of more dollars trying to conceive a second child, but I did take a moment to pause and think.
And then I sent my former coworker’s wife some brownies. Chocolate can’t solve all of our infertility or otherwise problems, but it sure is comforting. Thank goodness for chocolate.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Here we go again ... sort of
As I was driving to meet with a new fertility doctor, I wondered if I was up for the shots, the poking and prodding and the disappointment of feeling the familiar monthly cramping that can only mean Aunt Flow will soon arrive. Of course, the third time is supposedly the charm. So maybe the third fertility doctor equals my lucky day.
When I arrived, I was the only one in the office. By the time the doctor called me back … and yes, the doctor came out himself to get me … the waiting room was full of people.
He was very serious. He dug through the stacks of paperwork that equal my records from two previous fertility doctors and one OB/GYN. He asked me lots of questions. He was concerned about the D&C that my first fertility doctor performed and wanted to know the reason. I honestly couldn't remember. I guess he was actually concerned about all of the D&Cs I've had and the affect they've had on my uterus.
I never admitted that I was still kicking myself for not listening to my gut when that first doctor recommended the D&C after my OB/GYN had just done a D&C. My gut was saying no, no, no but my fear that people with authority know way more than me was saying, “He’s the expert. He must know what he’s talking about.”
I did admit that I feared that particular surgery had messed up my uterus. That maybe the doctor had over scraped my uterus and made it impossible for an egg to implant even if it wanted to. The new doctor agreed that it was a possibility but said “Let’s not worry about it. Let’s do some test so we’ll have more information.” I liked that.
We agreed IVF was the direction we wanted to go but first we’re doing a “mock” cycle where I’ll take estrogen (pills not shots which makes me so happy) for 15 or so days to see how my uterus lining performs. If the lining is 7 or 8, we’re OK to proceed. If not, we’ll have to regroup.
He’s also going to do an in-office hysteroscopy to see how my uterus looks.
I was in a complete funk when I left the office because I wanted to walk away with a definite yes or no but instead I was walking away with a maybe. I’ve been in a hurry to get pregnant for almost three years and now I’m being told to wait some more. Not an easy task. But I know it my heart it’s the right thing to do. It’s what I’ve been trying to get other doctor’s to do but no one would listen or take me seriously.
So in a few weeks, I’ll know one way or the other. Either my gut was right and if so, we probably won’t be having any more children. Or my gut is wrong and we might have a shot at having another child. This is one time I’d love to be proved wrong : )
When I arrived, I was the only one in the office. By the time the doctor called me back … and yes, the doctor came out himself to get me … the waiting room was full of people.
He was very serious. He dug through the stacks of paperwork that equal my records from two previous fertility doctors and one OB/GYN. He asked me lots of questions. He was concerned about the D&C that my first fertility doctor performed and wanted to know the reason. I honestly couldn't remember. I guess he was actually concerned about all of the D&Cs I've had and the affect they've had on my uterus.
I never admitted that I was still kicking myself for not listening to my gut when that first doctor recommended the D&C after my OB/GYN had just done a D&C. My gut was saying no, no, no but my fear that people with authority know way more than me was saying, “He’s the expert. He must know what he’s talking about.”
I did admit that I feared that particular surgery had messed up my uterus. That maybe the doctor had over scraped my uterus and made it impossible for an egg to implant even if it wanted to. The new doctor agreed that it was a possibility but said “Let’s not worry about it. Let’s do some test so we’ll have more information.” I liked that.
We agreed IVF was the direction we wanted to go but first we’re doing a “mock” cycle where I’ll take estrogen (pills not shots which makes me so happy) for 15 or so days to see how my uterus lining performs. If the lining is 7 or 8, we’re OK to proceed. If not, we’ll have to regroup.
He’s also going to do an in-office hysteroscopy to see how my uterus looks.
I was in a complete funk when I left the office because I wanted to walk away with a definite yes or no but instead I was walking away with a maybe. I’ve been in a hurry to get pregnant for almost three years and now I’m being told to wait some more. Not an easy task. But I know it my heart it’s the right thing to do. It’s what I’ve been trying to get other doctor’s to do but no one would listen or take me seriously.
So in a few weeks, I’ll know one way or the other. Either my gut was right and if so, we probably won’t be having any more children. Or my gut is wrong and we might have a shot at having another child. This is one time I’d love to be proved wrong : )
The box of food finds a new home
After stumping my toe about a dozen times on the box of canned food I gathered up last Friday, I found a new home for said food in the form of a community food drive being held at my daughter's preschool.
I really did manage to put together a very heavy box of food that Zoe and I proudly donated at her school this morning. I even threw in a bottle of Herbal Essence shampoo that I'd gotten for free via a coupon.
And in about two minutes, I'm leaving my office for an appointment with a new fertility doctor. I'm filled with excitement and dread. Wish me luck.
I really did manage to put together a very heavy box of food that Zoe and I proudly donated at her school this morning. I even threw in a bottle of Herbal Essence shampoo that I'd gotten for free via a coupon.
And in about two minutes, I'm leaving my office for an appointment with a new fertility doctor. I'm filled with excitement and dread. Wish me luck.
Monday, November 30, 2009
When guilt gets in the way
I recently signed up to take a weekly class. I used to take classes on a regular basis and I really enjoyed learning about new things so I'd been itching to start a new class. A friend agreed to take this particular class with me so it seemed like a great idea, but now that I'm a couple of months into it, the class is starting to drag me down for several reasons:
"Couldn't you get a babysitter for when Neil works late? You don't want to miss this week, it's going to be great. Doesn't Neil understand how important this class is to you?
Ugg again.
I really don't want to go back to the class and now I'm trying to find a way to move past the guilt and just say, "thanks but no thanks" without hurting anyone's feelings. Guilt stinks.
- A lot of what's being talked about is over my head. And since I'm a bit shy and most of the other folks in the class seem to totally get it, I'm not about to raise my hand and admit that I don't understand it at all.
- The teacher has trouble staying on topic so if someone asks a random question that only slightly pertains to the topic, we could be talking about that topic for the rest of the night.
- Although the class is supposed to end at 9:30, we're usually just taking a break ... one that lasts for 30 or 40 minutes ... at 9 pm so class doesn't end until 10 pm or later.
- Speaking of the break, at the beginning of the class, we were each asked to sign up to bring snacks for each week to eat during the break. I've yet to sign up because the sign-up sheet never came my way but we got an email today asking for a volunteer for tomorrow night. The requester said she needed two volunteersto bring snacks and we'd need to spend about $20 each. Really? We need $40 worth of snacks each week? In some countries, $40 would probably feed a family for a year.
- My one friend who was taking the class as well is almost always traveling on Tuesday nights, meaning she isn't there. And the majority of other class members are a bit of a clique because they all belong to the same religious organization and they have no interest in making me an honorary member. Ugg, so uncomfortable.
"Couldn't you get a babysitter for when Neil works late? You don't want to miss this week, it's going to be great. Doesn't Neil understand how important this class is to you?
Ugg again.
I really don't want to go back to the class and now I'm trying to find a way to move past the guilt and just say, "thanks but no thanks" without hurting anyone's feelings. Guilt stinks.
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